No Time for Toxicity: Escaping Unhealthy Friendships
It's not hard to see that 2020 has been a whirlwind of a year. I think it's safe to say that this year was not only unexpected but left a lot of people feeling down, myself included. As we enter into the final month of an ever changing year, I find myself reflecting on everything that occurred in 2020.
As many of us look forward to a new year of rebuilding our lives, I want to ensure I set myself up for success, happiness, and the manifestation of my best self. But in doing so, I've been blind to a heavily impactful factor in my life that's causing me to feel as though I have come to a brick wall that I can't get past. That factor is toxic friends.
It can be a family member, a coworker, or even your best friend - many of us have them without even knowing. But what constitutes a toxic friend? It's not all black and white - toxicity can come in all forms and can easily blindside you. Personally, I view a toxic friend is someone who continually spews negativity, a purposeful self-sabotager, or someone who loads their problems onto you in the hopes that you'll pity them without making any real effort to find a solution to said problems - amongst other things.
I want to flag this now to say - just because you feel a friend is toxic for you or no longer meets your emotional needs, it does not mean they are bad people. On the contrary actually. Always look at the situation you are in with love. You never know why this gap is coming between you and this person. It could be because they are genuinely negative, or it could be them processing their own emotional healing and needs in an unhealthy way. Just because you and a friend no longer see eye to eye all of a sudden doesn’t mean they were always bad for you. It could just mean their season in your life is over - and that’s OKAY. Healthy actually! One of my favorite quotes is "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." It's up to you to decide which is which!
So now that you’ve decided to part ways with an old friend - Now What? How do we remove that person from our life so we can get on a path to healing? Cutting off a friend is not always easy, but sometimes necessary. Ending a friendship can hurt worse than finishing a relationship - breaking ties with someone who you have spent time with, spilled secrets to, and confided in is not something that many take lightly. But in times of trying to move forward, you must let go of the things that hold you back.
My first step to cutting out a toxic friend is determining how they are harmful in the first place. Assess your interactions, conversations, and figure out how they make you feel. Are you frequently drained after talking to them? Do you think that you exert so much energy trying to bring them up when they seem as though they just want to stay down? Does their behavior make you question their character? If yes, then you've most likely got yourself a toxic friend.
"Is Your Friendship giving you Issa and Molly Vibes?” Image Source: HBO ‘s Insecure
After you've assessed their behavior, my next step is to talk about it. I didn't study communication for six years to be incapable of having a serious conversation with a friend. Let them know how you're feeling and how their attitude is affecting your ability to be their friend. If they care to save your friendship, they will work on themselves to make those changes. Now let's not get confused; I'm not saying that you need to mold your friends to be the exact person you want them to be. Everyone is different, and it's not okay to force change onto someone who is unwilling. But what I am saying is, if you feel that your friendship with this person hurts you more than helps you, it may be time to let them go.
If, after speaking with them, you notice they're making no effort to change their toxic behavior, it's time to cut ties. When cutting toxic people from your life, you must be firm and clear. Let them know that their behavior is not aligning with your energy, and for that, you must end the friendship.
From there, you can cut the cord. When clearing out people from your life, it's important to commit, or that person will try to slowly work their way back. If you told yourself you wouldn't answer their phone calls, don't. Stick to your word and don't allow them to make you feel as though you have to pity them. Remember, you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own, and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Remove them from your social media, don't make plans to meet up with them, and don't respond when they contact you. It may be difficult, but if you don't make a change, there will be no change.
As much as it will hurt now, know that removing this person (or people) from your life will only benefit you in the long run. And from there, you can get on a road to manifestation and healing!